Communication: Strategies for Healthier Relationships
Good communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, whether it's with a partner, family member, friend, or business colleague.
Communication is about how we express ourselves and listen to others, and these skills significantly impact the quality of our connections.
To improve communication skills, it is important to understand some common communication challenges and learn helpful strategies.
Common Communication Challenges
Managing Conflict
Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship but managing them poorly can lead to resentment and disconnection. Couples often find themselves arguing over finances, parenting styles, or intimacy. Arguments are noticeably absent of active listening, instead individuals raise their voices and talk past each other.
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Lack of Boundaries
Saying “no” is difficult for many people and is a common communication problem. A lack of boundaries can leave you feeling stressed, angry, or depressed. This, in turn, can lead to long term resentment and/or burnout. Boundaries are healthy, because otherwise you are ignoring your internal reality. If you can’t say “no,” can you really say “yes” and truly mean it?
Breaking Family Norms
Setting boundaries in dysfunctional families or unhealthy relationships, can lead to personal attacks or being blamed for causing the problem. In healthy families or relationships, it is okay to question “norms” and they can be openly discussed without judgment.
Starting Difficult Conversations
Avoidance of uncomfortable topics can lead to unresolved issues simmering beneath the surface, eroding trust and intimacy over time. However, there are families and relationships where it is not wise to initiate difficult conversations if the issue will simply blow up in your face.
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Strategies to Improve Communication
Practice Active Listening
Active listening is a simple concept but can be difficult to master. In its most simple form, it means repeating back the words you hear someone say to you. For example, if someone says, “You're not listening to me,“ you could say, “So you don’t feel I'm listening to you?”
A more complex response may be to use your own words to describe what you hear the other person saying. Thus, for the previous example, you may say, “So you feel I'm ignoring you” or “So you feel misunderstood by me?” It is also important that this is done with integrity and authenticity.
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According to Brené Brown, a professor and social worker, active listening is more than just a communication technique—it's an act of courage and connection. Brown emphasizes the importance of engaging with empathy, truly hearing and absorbing what the other person is saying without rushing to respond or fix the situation. By practicing active listening, we signal to others that their thoughts and feelings matter, validating their experiences and fostering a sense of connection.
Engage Authentically
Our ability to communicate authentically is deeply intertwined with our sense of self and our willingness to share this self with others. This requires understanding and accepting our feelings and being comfortable with our identity. It also encompasses knowing our likes, dislikes, belief systems, and personality traits. If you don’t understand these aspects of yourself, communication is likely to be compromised, especially in intimate relationships.
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The fear of judgment or rejection is vulnerable, it is a risk in any relationship. Therapy can help to identify and solidify our sense of self. Through therapy, individuals can become more aware of their personal values, preferences, and beliefs, that help to foster a stronger, sense of identity. This self-awareness is the bedrock of authentic communication, as it empowers us to share our truths with confidence, clarity and generousity.
Be Generous in Your Interpretation
Extending a generous interpretation to others’ actions and words helps prevent misunderstandings and builds a culture of empathy.
Assuming positive intent when communicating with friends or family members can be a powerful practice as it allows for the possibility that mistakes or hurtful remarks were not made maliciously.
By giving the benefit of the doubt, we open a space for dialogue, reducing defensiveness on both sides.
Establish Boundaries
Developing and expressing boundaries is vital for healthy communication. People-pleasing or prioritizing others' needs over one's own can make setting boundaries challenging.
Understanding and expressing boundaries requires clarity, assertiveness, and the belief that one's needs are valid. It's a process that can be strengthened through therapy.
Cultivate Curiosity
Approaching conversations with curiosity rather than judgment opens up a dialogue for understanding and connection, paving the way for more meaningful interactions.
Apologize Well
A sincere apology, as advocated by psychologist Harriet Lerner, involves acknowledging hurt caused, expressing remorse, and making amends, demonstrating accountability and a commitment to the relationship.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy offers a supportive space to explore and address communication challenges. For couples, it can provide tools and strategies for navigating common sources of conflict, such as financial disagreements or intimacy issues, guiding partners towards healthier, more effective communication.
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Individual therapy can support those dealing with boundary issues in friendships or challenging family norms. It offers strategies for asserting oneself respectfully and confidently, navigating difficult conversations, and fostering healthier dynamics.
Incorporating these strategies and seeking therapy when needed can significantly improve the quality of your interpersonal communications, leading to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.